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"Honey, I Am Not In The Mood"

by Paul Mauchline, Director of The Art of Loving Institute

How many times have you said or heard, "Honey, I Am Not In The Mood." It is important to honestly communicate with your partner. As you practice over time, you will become more comfortable expressing whether or not you are not in the mood - and why. To fully experience the joy of sex with your partner, your body has to be in the mood. More importantly, your mind must be in the mood. During the throes of passion, you cannot be worrying about tomorrow's deadlines, problems with your children, or the bank balance. To have meaningful, intimate sex, you must be fully aware and present in the moment. If your mind is not clear, you are just going through the motions. You are not fully participating in the experience; you are robbing yourself and your partner of the beauty of sexual intimacy.

Another thing that can prevent you from being present during sexual intimacy is alcohol or drugs. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. When you ingest excessive amounts of alcohol, you lose your motor coordination, and your ability to think and feel clearly. If you are having difficulty walking down the street after an evening of partying, how do you expect to share true sexual intimacy and love with your partner? I do not mean to suggest that having sex, now and then, after a few drinks is necessarily a bad thing. However, when intimacy only occurs with the assistance of alcohol or drugs, this probably is the sign of a serious problem in the relationship. If the only time that you have sex is after a few drinks, you might want to stop and ask yourself, "Why?" Some people find it easier to have sex after they have had a few drinks, because they have difficulty relaxing without it. Some people drink because they have fears about sex, about their bodies, or about expressing themselves in a physical way.

People can be uneasy about sex because of things like past sexual abuse, uncomfortable first experiences with sex, or self-consciousness about their bodies. Some people grew up in a family environment in which sex was a dirty word. These childhood messages could make them feel ashamed or guilty about enjoying sexual experiences. They may turn to alcohol to "loosen themselves up" before having sex. If you have apprehensions about intimacy, it is extremely important that you address this problem. Talk with your partner about your fears. Work together, and/or work with a therapist, to resolve these issues. If you do not address your fears, you are missing out on the joy of true intimacy -- and robbing your partner of it as well.

Relationships are built on honesty. You have to be honest about your fears and insecurities. Do not allow your partner to attribute your behavior to something he or she has done, or something that is wrong with him or her. Imagination can run wild when honest communication is absent. Should you choose not to be honest, you risk damaging or possibly losing your relationship. Dealing with sexual problems starts with you. You need to be honest with yourself, then with your partner, and then, in some cases, with a therapist or other professional. You and your partner are not equipped to deal with issues like sexual abuse or rape by yourselves. Many things, however, can be dealt with by communicating honestly and thoroughly with your partner. As your relationship progresses over time, problems may arise that affect your sex life. At different times, there might be physiological, psychological, or stress-related elements that are affecting your love life. Honest communication with your partner will get you through these times and will bolster the intimacy, trust, and, most importantly, love between you.

Sexual intimacy is a journey, not an event. During the euphoric stage of a relationship, sexual desire is insatiable. The process of exploring each other's bodies is an exciting and explosive experience. You are unfamiliar with each other, and are discovering what turns each other on, so sex is still new and exhilarating. As love and intimacy with one another grow, your level of trust, comfort and security increases, making sexual intimacy an amazing, beautiful experience. As you move from euphoric to mature love, sex becomes an important conduit for expressing your deep love and trust for one another.

Most people assume that, as a relationship matures and intimacy builds, sex loses its fire and passion. In my opinion, that is wrong: It does not have to be that way. It is up to you and your partner to maintain passion and excitement in your sex life. You have to use your imagination, creativity, and romance to keep the sparks flying between you. The level of sexual appeal and the energy between you will not remain sustained without effort. If you get complacent, fail to communicate your needs, or fail to use your imagination and creativity, your sex life is going to die… and so, too, eventually, will your relationship. As in every other aspect of your relationship, it starts with you. You have to put forth the effort, using your inventiveness and inspiration, to build a satisfying, fulfilling, exciting sex life. Sexual intimacy in a mature, loving relationship keeps the bond between you alive. It is a way of expressing, with your entire being, your love for your partner. It's what keeps a loving relationship strong and resilient for a lifetime.

Paul Mauchline is a researcher, writer, and speaker on loving relationships. As the director of The Art of Loving Institute he teaches a workshop on the Providenciales, Turks & Caicos Island. The Art of Loving™ workshop offers the knowledge you seek to elevate yourself and your relationships to a higher level of understanding and success, visit his Web site at

Copyright ©2000 by Paul Mauchline
The Art of Loving™ is a ® Registered Trademark of The Art of Loving Ltd
"Learning to keep love in your life"

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